Thinking You’re Helping While Fanning the Flames: Understanding Enabling in the Context of Problem Gambling
Problem gambling is a complex issue that affects not only the individual struggling with the addiction but also their loved ones. It’s important to address the often-overlooked aspect of family enabling in the context of problem gambling. This blog post aims to shed light on this crucial topic and provide insights for those affected by gambling addiction.
For anyone looking to stop gambling and find recovery, it is important to talk about and understand enabling. During the addiction process, the gambler and the loved one may fall into enabling behaviors that become a way of life. Enabling happens when someone justifies or supports problematic behaviors in a loved one by trying to help without understanding what drives gambling addiction. Over time, the gambler gets used to the loved one bailing them out or lying for them, removing accountability and shielding him or her from consequences. It’s easy to understand how this inhibits recovery!
Understanding Enabling Behaviors: What are They?
If you are serious about finding recovery, it takes you as the problem gambler to make that decision. If you have loved ones who have lived with you and your gambling, they also need to have transparency in how you are making those changes. This starts with understanding the concept of enabling and sets the foundation for the honesty and transparency necessary for recovery.
Enabling occurs when family members or friends inadvertently support or justify problematic behaviors of a problem gambler, believing they are helping. These actions, while well-intentioned, can perpetuate the cycle of addiction and hinder the recovery process. The enabler will lie to themselves, the addict, and others about the severity of the problem. The enabler thinks this is a good way to keep the family intact, but it really just minimizes the problem behavior.
Common Enabling Behaviors:
- Providing financial assistance to cover gambling debts
- Making excuses for the gambler’s absences or tardiness
- Lying to protect the gambler from consequences
- Attempting to control the gambler’s behavior by gambling together
Over time, these patterns become ingrained, creating a dysfunctional dynamic that can be challenging to break.
The Troubling and Destructive Role of the Enabler
When you are the victim of the behavior, it is black and white; when you are the perpetrator, there are many shades of gray. – Dr. Laura Schlesinger
An enabler often becomes a shield, protecting both the gambler and themselves from facing the harsh realities of the addiction. This protective stance, however, can lead to:
- Minimizing the severity of the gambling problem
- Denying the existence of the issue altogether
- Losing self-respect and self-worth
- Experiencing verbal, psychological, or even physical abuse
It’s crucial to recognize that enabling behaviors, despite their protective intent, ultimately harm both the gambler and the enabler. Many times, the enabler loses their own self-respect and self-worth. A symptom of compulsive gambling is pathological lying, which can lead to verbal, psychological, and physical abuse when confronted.
If the relationship gets to the point of any abuse, you must stop and call someone who can help. 888-ADMIT-IT is the only Problem Gambling HelpLine for Florida. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 [1], the Florida Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-500-1119, and the Florida Abuse Hotline is 1-800-962-2873 [2] – all are available 24/7. If you are in a situation where you fear for your safety, call 911.
Breaking the Cycle of Enabling
Breaking the cycle can be challenging, because most enablers start to believe that they are the problem – because that is what the addicted person tells them. In turn, the enabler may try to change themselves, when really it is the problem gambler that needs to make changes. The enabler will always fail in the attempts to please the gambler. Many times the enabler thinks, “Maybe if I did something different, it would stop it.” They get stuck in thinking they have to bail the gambler out to keep the family finances in control or to stop the problem gambler from getting angry and starting a fight.
For problem gamblers seeking recovery, acknowledging the role of enabling in their addiction is a vital step. Transparency with loved ones about the changes being made is essential for building trust and fostering a supportive recovery environment.
Steps to Address Enabling:
- Open communication about enabling behaviors
- Recognizing and accepting the severity of the gambling problem
- Setting clear boundaries and consequences
- Seeking professional help and support
Recognize the Impact on Family Dynamics
Enabling behaviors can create a constant state of crisis within the family unit. Loved ones may find themselves walking on eggshells, unsure of the gambler’s emotional state or potential for relapse. This uncertainty can lead to:
- Strained relationships
- Financial instability
- Emotional distress
- Loss of trust
Recognizing these impacts is crucial for both the gambler and their family members to begin the healing process.
Finding Your Path to Recovery
Recovery from problem gambling is a challenging journey that requires commitment, honesty, and support. For the gambler, it involves:
- Continuous self-reflection on behaviors and state of mind
- Accepting feedback from loved ones
- Actively involving family in the recovery process
- Seeking professional help and support groups
For family members, recovery means:
- Learning to set healthy boundaries
- Addressing their own emotional needs
- Seeking support for themselves
- Understanding the nature of addiction and recovery
If you are suffering from a gambling problem, you are living in a constant state of crisis every day – and so does anyone around you. Keep in mind that others don’t know what state of being you are in at any moment – whether you’ve just had a devastating loss or just figured out how you’ll get the money you need to make it to next month.
Cravings to gamble after stopping can cause emotional upheaval. It is not easy to stop these behaviors after you have lived with them for so long. Here is when it is important to continuously take note of your state of mind and how you are behaving. Ask others for their input when you are showing signs of these behaviors. In turn, you need to accept the feedback – as it could stop a relapse in its tracks. Finding and staying in recovery is difficult but so much easier if you involve your loved ones in the process with you.
A Call to Action: 888-ADMIT-IT
If you or someone you know is struggling with problem gambling, it’s crucial to remember that help is available. The FCCG is committed to providing support and resources to those affected by gambling addiction.
We encourage anyone concerned about gambling, whether their own or that of a loved one, to reach out to our 888-ADMIT-IT HelpLine. Specialists are standing by and ready to provide confidential support, information, and referrals 24/7 to help you take the first step towards recovery.
Breaking the cycle of enabling and addiction is possible. With the right support and resources, individuals and families can begin the journey towards healing and recovery. Don’t hesitate to seek help – your path to a healthier, gambling-free life starts with a single call or text to 888-ADMIT-IT.
References:
1. “Safety and Protection.” Florida Department of Children and Families, www.myflfamilies.com/services/abuse, Accessed 30 Aug. 2023.
2. “National Domestic Violence Hotline.” The Hotline, National Domestic Violence Hotline, 27 Apr. 2023, www.thehotline.org/.